Friday, April 6, 2007

Songs that blow some hardcore arse, bitches.

Wassup?

In this entry I will continue add songs that I deem utter crap that should never have been recorded.
I reckon I'll need to go through all of mums old 80s shit to find the real gems of musical incompetency, but there is a lot of real bad modern shit out there so I'll keep my ears open.

I reckon I'll keep on adding to this so I get a real collection of shit to avoid. I will give a sentence long description of the song and/or why it's so crap. Don't agree? You can sauce my bun. Watering my dish is also acceptable.

Enjoy.

1. Congratulations to Bonnie Tyler for her appalling work on that most shittest of songs, Bonnie Tyler – Total Eclipse of the Heart. It has earned you the coveted 'Crappest Song Ever Recorded in Jonno's Opinion Award'

Now the reason this song gets the top spot is because it is senseless melodrama with over dramatic music that doesn't change at all. Coupled with lyrics that lean towards suicidal and schizophrenic tendencies, you get a recipe for complete prefabricated, over dramatized, designed only to sell crap that has been churned out only for the benefit of the record company who own the rights to it. Sadly, this was one of the most popular songs of the 1980's and it sold by the millions. Doesn't say much for the general publics taste in music. This song leaves the ear in the bad way.



2. Black Eyed Peas: Black Eyed Peas – My Humps.

This is a real shame because I generally like the Black Eyed Peas alot, their music is interesting and fresh, reviving, albeit to a limited extent, an interest in Funk music.
I find 'My Humps' so unbearable is because it is basically a woman singing about her body over the top of some dipshit techno style beat and.....uh....hey check it out, I just described every facet of 'My Humps with 14 words, 13 if you discount 'dipshit'. That in it's self is enough to render a song bad. 'My humps' is written purely for commercial purposes following that old saying 'Sex Sells', and it sure did sell. How long was 'My Humps' at number one here in Australia?
In closing 'My Humps' is senseless, non-interesting, non-changing crap that even a 12 year old down syndrome sufferer with a toasting fork in his brain would be ashamed to have written. But hey, we all make mistakes. Hopefully the B.E.P can come out of their creative slump and get back to writing more cool songs.



3. Lee Harding: Lee Harding – Wasabi

Gee, could you get a more lame subject matter than Japanese hot sauce? I don't think so. And that is basically all this song is. A 30 year old dude way past his prime with a ridiculous hair cut, singing about Japanese hot sauce.



4. Billy Ray Cyrus: Billy Ray Cyrus – Achey Breaky Heart.

Introductory Telecaster riff: Check
Male singer with yank accent: Check
4/4 beat, emphasis on the 2 and 4: Check
Lame predictable chord changes: Check
Simple Telecaster soloing throughout song: Check
Lyrics about losing Girl: Check

Well, what we have here is a song that follows every single stereotype and convention of country music to the letter. This makes it boring, lame, predictable and most un-stimulating.
A perfect country song and as such a perfect example of what not listen to. One last note to Mr Cyrus, take it like a man you pussy. Also, don't write a song about it afterwards. No one gives a shit.

5. Kiss: Kiss – Beth

First let me say that I'm going to pigeonhole Kiss as being one of the crappiest bands ever. I mean, if they never had the makeup and stupid stage antics they would never have made it big, and would have probably ended depressed and lonely after their aspirations of fame and fortune weren't realized. Alas, it was not to be.

It seems only fitting that Kiss' crappiest song 'Beth' is chosen to represent these heavy weights of musical mediocrity, even Kiss foresaw the shitness of Beth and had the discretion to B side it on it's respective album. Not that the dumbarse public cared, Beth was a popular one wasn't it *shakes head in dismay*.

Firstly, Peter Criss sings this particular number. Is it just me or does Criss sound out of key during the entire song, and I can't help feeling that Criss is about to have an aneurism every time a note even remotely high comes his way. Well I tip my hat to Criss, he gave it his best shot.

I'm not going to focus on the musical elements of this song as any one who has ever heard a Kiss song has heard every Kiss song, If you know what I mean.
Instead I shall focus on the lyrical content (or lack there of, take your pick).

The First verse I think summarises the entire theme of the song and as such rents the others redundant, such a shame Kiss didn't realize this. They could've have cut the song down to 20 seconds.

Anyway the first verse is as follows:

Beth I hear you calling
But I can't come home right now
Me and the boys are playing
And we just can't find the sound

Well apparently Beth is in a relationship with a dude who is in a band, and has decided to call home her man for tea. Unfortunately him and the boys are practising their repertoire and can't find the sound.
I think this parodies Kiss own rehearsal exploits quite hilariously. In a doco of Kiss I saw, they were rehearsing and Paul Stanley actually said

"What we lack in tightness, we make up for in volume"

Big achievement dumbarse, I take it you guys practise turning your amps up then?

The song then goes on to explain how Beth feels about her man always being at rehearsals and not giving her any attention blah blah blah. I reckon Beth is being rather graceful towards her man's musical habits. I mean how often is it that some shitty garage band hit's it big.
Kiss were one such band that did happen to have it happen for them, and how does Peter Criss (the songs writer) repay his wife after years of devotion? He divorces her. Way to go dipshit.




6. Simpleton: Every Song

Gee, did I call Simple Plan 'Simpleton'. I did. Whoops, my bad, but you know how easy it is to get the two confused.
Well as soon as I mention Simple Plan, you know I don't have to say anymore, as they are universally accepted as a shit band. But I'm going to any way, just because I can.
I shan't focus on the musical elements of Simple Plan's repertoire (and let's face it, there are none. Just the same 3 chords over and over again), rather I will concentrate my energies on what most pisses me off about them.

What can I say about Simple Plan. Hmmmmm, let's think. Oh, right. ALL THEY DO IS BITCH, make songs about how tough they have it. About how nobody understands them, about how hard it is to be individual. Grow a set of balls fellas, I mean come on. No one wants to hear it.
The thing that I find ironic about Simple Plan is that there is a 99% chance that they haven't gone through shit, and just want to tap into the 9 to 14 yr old girl market. You know the ones, always bitching and whining about how the are the ONLY people in the World who have been dumped by some dude they have been going out with for 3 days. A match made in heaven they would call it, but I'm getting distracted.

Simple Plan are always bitching on about how much pain they're in, about how bad things are and how they 'don't think they're going to make it', when they are actually rich arse college boys from Canada, whose mummies and daddies would have paid for their shitty Fender Strat copies and guitar lessons, while they piss away 5 years of college (which daddy payed for) trying to be rebellious, cool and hip to the scene.

Stop whining I say. You're not hard done by, you're not forsaken and you don't represent the average guy. You're just some 30 year old dudes preaching to 10 year old girls with identity issues.

2 comments:

Jess D said...

*claps* that is all.

Muse said...

Damm! You've got them down to a T! I salute thee with much respect.