Monday, April 9, 2007

My Interview With Greenday

Today I have with me Green Day. Let's get started.

Jonno - Well hello... ah... this is kind of embarrassing but I don't know any of your names.

Green Day - Really? Are we that shit and unknown?

Jonno - Yes.

Green Day - Ahahaha, well it comes as no surprise, I mean our fan base consists of 12 year old girls.

Jonno - Well, why don't we introduce ourselves.

Billy Joe - Well I'm Billy Joe but my mates call me fink.

Jonno - So I take it no one calls you fink.

Billy Joe - That's right.

Jonno - Moving on.

Mike - I'm Mike.

Jonno - Hi Mike.

Tre Cool - I'm Tre Cool.

Jonno - You don't actually call yourself that do you?

Tre - Actually I do, I'm pretty sick aye.

Jonno - No, you're not. So let's get down to business. How did you guys meet? Have you known each other long?

Mike - I believe I can answer that one Jonno. Some record exec was putting together a hot new band and he needed three hot, sexy young men to do the job. I got a phone call and was told to meet at the studio. There I met these two and the studio musicians who would be playing all the music.

Jonno - Only one problem with that, you're not hot, sexy or a man.

Mike - Yeah, I said the same thing.

Jonno - You say studio musicians were going to play all the music originally. I don't get it. If studio musicians were going to play all your music, how come you suck? I mean, studio players know their shit.

Billy Joe - Well originally studio dudes...

Jonno - Don't say dude...

Billy Joe - Sorry. Originally studio musicians were going to play but we managed to convince the execs other wise.

Jonno - Oh riiiiiiiiiiiiiiight. Well that explains your sound. On the topic of your sound, how would you describe it?

Tre - If I may. It's a blend of post modern grunge/grind punk pop with heavy emo overtones and........

Billy Joe - .....What Tre is trying to say is that we sound like a cat being raped by a dog under some water.

Jonno - I surmised as much. Moving on, what's the deal with your latest album 'American Idiot'.

Mike - Well, our record company wanted sales so they suggested we create.....

Jonno - You mean some one else creates....

Mike - Yeah, someone else creates an album to fully take advantage of the crisis in the middle east and how everyone hates America.

Jonno - So it was designed only to sell?

Mike - Yeah.

Jonno - And what do you mean everyone hates America? America is one kick arse place. It's only Georgie Boy who blows.

Mike - WHAT. King George is the best thing that happened to this country.

Jonno - You're kind of contradicting yourself there. You release an album that aims to dismantle to Bush administration, then you profess a deep admiration of the man.

Mike - Well like I said earlier, we had no input...

Tre - Yeah, we were told that we were just a vehicle on which it could be sold.

Jonno - Well that clears that up.

Jonno - Tell me, who are your musical influences?

Mike - The bassist from Simple Plan

Jonno - What? No Jaco Pastorius?

Mike - Who the hell is that?

Billy - The guy from Metallica?

Jonno - No

Tre - I like that guy from Good Charlotte

Jonno - But they blow even more than you. That's not a complement by the way.

Green Day - Awwwwwwwwwww

Jonno - Yeah. Uh, what about you Billy Joe? Who has influenced you?

Billy Joe - That singer from Simple Plan. He's hot.

Jonno - Right. What do you guys have planned for the future? Any chance of calling it quits?

Tre - Nah, our contract states that we have another 20 albums to release before it's terminated, so I guess you'll be hearing alot more from us.

Mike & Billy - Yeah.

Jonno - Not likely. Well I'm gonna have to call an end to this interview, I have some business to attend to.

Green Day - Oh yeah, and that is?

Jonno - Going down to the lobby to read the magazines while I wait for my taxi, speaking of which, it's due at 4:00pm.

Mike - But it's only 11:30am.

Jonno - Yeah.

T.V. Rock = No

I was in a mate's car the other day and the song 'Flaunt It' by TV Rock happened to come on. My mate then proceeded to sing along and bob his head in an idiotic fashion. He also commented to me, and I quote "Man, this shit is sick. This is how music should be made." Well, it's plain for all to see that our very friendship was in danger of being compromised. His statement that TV Rock smoked defied everything musically that I stand for. At last he figured out that I didn't like the song. Maybe my statements of "This shit blows" and "Oh my god this sucks" put him on to the trail. He then asked me what was wrong with it, to which I countered what's right with it?

The fool then said "ahhh the beat". Yeh man, the beat in this is leik awsum dude. For the idiots who don't come to terms with sarcasm too well, the beat is actually horrifically white. Yeah man 4/4, beats one and two, no syncopation. The verdict is in. Flaunt It swings like a rusty gate.

After explaining this to my ill advised contempary, he mentioned the lyrics. "Ah, surely Jonno, you're a fan of the lyrics" Actually I wasn't. "This track's designed to make you cream" and "Shake what yo' mamma gave ya'" ? I don't think so. The lyrics of this atrocity have as much finesse, grace and linguistic genius as a palsy victim attemting open brain surgery. Yep the lyrics blow hard. I then pointed out the bullshit synth strings chromatic descending pattern that tries to give the song a climatic feel. Needless to say it failed quite spectacularly.

My friend, after the startling revelations posed by myself, now indulges himself with rather more shapely forms of music. Namely Jazz and Funk.

In short, Flaunt It is bullshit. Proof that modern music has about the same quantity of creativity as the stupid drawings 3 year olds do at kindergarten.

Friday, April 6, 2007

Songs that blow some hardcore arse, bitches.


In this entry I will continue add songs that I deem utter crap that should never have been recorded.
I reckon I'll need to go through all of mums old 80s shit to find the real gems of musical incompetency, but there is a lot of real bad modern shit out there so I'll keep my ears open.

I reckon I'll keep on adding to this so I get a real collection of shit to avoid. I will give a sentence long description of the song and/or why it's so crap. Don't agree? You can sauce my bun. Watering my dish is also acceptable.


1. Congratulations to Bonnie Tyler for her appalling work on that most shittest of songs, Bonnie Tyler – Total Eclipse of the Heart. It has earned you the coveted 'Crappest Song Ever Recorded in Jonno's Opinion Award'

Now the reason this song gets the top spot is because it is senseless melodrama with over dramatic music that doesn't change at all. Coupled with lyrics that lean towards suicidal and schizophrenic tendencies, you get a recipe for complete prefabricated, over dramatized, designed only to sell crap that has been churned out only for the benefit of the record company who own the rights to it. Sadly, this was one of the most popular songs of the 1980's and it sold by the millions. Doesn't say much for the general publics taste in music. This song leaves the ear in the bad way.

2. Black Eyed Peas: Black Eyed Peas – My Humps.

This is a real shame because I generally like the Black Eyed Peas alot, their music is interesting and fresh, reviving, albeit to a limited extent, an interest in Funk music.
I find 'My Humps' so unbearable is because it is basically a woman singing about her body over the top of some dipshit techno style beat and.....uh....hey check it out, I just described every facet of 'My Humps with 14 words, 13 if you discount 'dipshit'. That in it's self is enough to render a song bad. 'My humps' is written purely for commercial purposes following that old saying 'Sex Sells', and it sure did sell. How long was 'My Humps' at number one here in Australia?
In closing 'My Humps' is senseless, non-interesting, non-changing crap that even a 12 year old down syndrome sufferer with a toasting fork in his brain would be ashamed to have written. But hey, we all make mistakes. Hopefully the B.E.P can come out of their creative slump and get back to writing more cool songs.

3. Lee Harding: Lee Harding – Wasabi

Gee, could you get a more lame subject matter than Japanese hot sauce? I don't think so. And that is basically all this song is. A 30 year old dude way past his prime with a ridiculous hair cut, singing about Japanese hot sauce.

4. Billy Ray Cyrus: Billy Ray Cyrus – Achey Breaky Heart.

Introductory Telecaster riff: Check
Male singer with yank accent: Check
4/4 beat, emphasis on the 2 and 4: Check
Lame predictable chord changes: Check
Simple Telecaster soloing throughout song: Check
Lyrics about losing Girl: Check

Well, what we have here is a song that follows every single stereotype and convention of country music to the letter. This makes it boring, lame, predictable and most un-stimulating.
A perfect country song and as such a perfect example of what not listen to. One last note to Mr Cyrus, take it like a man you pussy. Also, don't write a song about it afterwards. No one gives a shit.

5. Kiss: Kiss – Beth

First let me say that I'm going to pigeonhole Kiss as being one of the crappiest bands ever. I mean, if they never had the makeup and stupid stage antics they would never have made it big, and would have probably ended depressed and lonely after their aspirations of fame and fortune weren't realized. Alas, it was not to be.

It seems only fitting that Kiss' crappiest song 'Beth' is chosen to represent these heavy weights of musical mediocrity, even Kiss foresaw the shitness of Beth and had the discretion to B side it on it's respective album. Not that the dumbarse public cared, Beth was a popular one wasn't it *shakes head in dismay*.

Firstly, Peter Criss sings this particular number. Is it just me or does Criss sound out of key during the entire song, and I can't help feeling that Criss is about to have an aneurism every time a note even remotely high comes his way. Well I tip my hat to Criss, he gave it his best shot.

I'm not going to focus on the musical elements of this song as any one who has ever heard a Kiss song has heard every Kiss song, If you know what I mean.
Instead I shall focus on the lyrical content (or lack there of, take your pick).

The First verse I think summarises the entire theme of the song and as such rents the others redundant, such a shame Kiss didn't realize this. They could've have cut the song down to 20 seconds.

Anyway the first verse is as follows:

Beth I hear you calling
But I can't come home right now
Me and the boys are playing
And we just can't find the sound

Well apparently Beth is in a relationship with a dude who is in a band, and has decided to call home her man for tea. Unfortunately him and the boys are practising their repertoire and can't find the sound.
I think this parodies Kiss own rehearsal exploits quite hilariously. In a doco of Kiss I saw, they were rehearsing and Paul Stanley actually said

"What we lack in tightness, we make up for in volume"

Big achievement dumbarse, I take it you guys practise turning your amps up then?

The song then goes on to explain how Beth feels about her man always being at rehearsals and not giving her any attention blah blah blah. I reckon Beth is being rather graceful towards her man's musical habits. I mean how often is it that some shitty garage band hit's it big.
Kiss were one such band that did happen to have it happen for them, and how does Peter Criss (the songs writer) repay his wife after years of devotion? He divorces her. Way to go dipshit.

6. Simpleton: Every Song

Gee, did I call Simple Plan 'Simpleton'. I did. Whoops, my bad, but you know how easy it is to get the two confused.
Well as soon as I mention Simple Plan, you know I don't have to say anymore, as they are universally accepted as a shit band. But I'm going to any way, just because I can.
I shan't focus on the musical elements of Simple Plan's repertoire (and let's face it, there are none. Just the same 3 chords over and over again), rather I will concentrate my energies on what most pisses me off about them.

What can I say about Simple Plan. Hmmmmm, let's think. Oh, right. ALL THEY DO IS BITCH, make songs about how tough they have it. About how nobody understands them, about how hard it is to be individual. Grow a set of balls fellas, I mean come on. No one wants to hear it.
The thing that I find ironic about Simple Plan is that there is a 99% chance that they haven't gone through shit, and just want to tap into the 9 to 14 yr old girl market. You know the ones, always bitching and whining about how the are the ONLY people in the World who have been dumped by some dude they have been going out with for 3 days. A match made in heaven they would call it, but I'm getting distracted.

Simple Plan are always bitching on about how much pain they're in, about how bad things are and how they 'don't think they're going to make it', when they are actually rich arse college boys from Canada, whose mummies and daddies would have paid for their shitty Fender Strat copies and guitar lessons, while they piss away 5 years of college (which daddy payed for) trying to be rebellious, cool and hip to the scene.

Stop whining I say. You're not hard done by, you're not forsaken and you don't represent the average guy. You're just some 30 year old dudes preaching to 10 year old girls with identity issues.

I'm better than you. Your mum too.

You know I'd have to be pretty bad arse to post something with a title such as this one. That's just the thing I'm pretty damn bad arse.

Any way, to the topic at hand. Why I'm right about everything. Well the answer is this: It's just because I am. I don't need to explain it, you just need to accept it.

My mind works on such a high level, my cognitive function is so absolute, I can just tell you that I'm right and every goddamn one of you will take it as such.
Oh that's right, because I'm right about everything. Get this, I was in an argument with Stephen Hawking and I owned his arse. He couldn't step to the shit I was bringing.
He even turned to one of his nobel prize winning buddies and said "Man, Jonno sure is right. I couldn't step to his shit." Everyone else nodded in agreement.

Man, if I can beat Stephen Hawking in an argument about quantum physics I must be good. Hell, I'm so damn right about every damn thing that if I'm wrong about something or contradict myself I'm still damn right about it. I'm too good.

So I challenge you, dear reader. You who is dumb enough to read this. Prove me wrong. Wait, don't even bother wasting your time because like I said I'm damn right about everything, and as such, it can't be done.

Yeah Yeah Yeahs. Yeah? They Suck

You know, it's a rare occurence when you hear a band so bad that you want to blow your nuts off with a shotgun just to prevent some poor unborn child from being exposed to something so heinous. Well people, today I heard such a band. The Yeah Yeah Yeahs. I was reclining in my rather comfortable chair this morning, watching a bit of Rage on the telly when JTV popped on. First chord strummed I knew I was in for some ear rapage, but I had no idea just how badly one's ears could be violated.

Let's focus on the singing. I liken Ms. O's vocals to a druggie hopped up on the crack cocaine mixed with the combined effects of several hundred thousand cigarettes. Add this to the vocal chord killing action of gargling drano and razor blades and we have a singing style akin to this joker. A little hint Karen, learn to sing before singing. It helps, trust me. Karen you should also get your ears checked, singing out of key ain't cool baby. Know what I'm saying? I've heard cats being raped, while being stuck out in the rain that are more aurally appealing than this loser. I'm deadly serious people, Karen O doesn't sing, she sucks.

Want to check out the guitarist? Don't bother. He's just as bad as Karen. I reckon you could plug a guitar into an amp, turn the volume all the way up and slap on some distortion, then drop it from the top of a rather tall building and the resulting cacophony would be far more musical. IT'S THAT BAD. This guy jumps around the stage like a dude having an epileptic fit, strumming his guitar like a moron (so does Karen by the way). Are you serious? Get off the bong buddy, will reck your head. The bass player is just as bad. The concept of tuning seems to have evaded this guy. No joke, I was ramming my head into the wall trying to deal with the dissonance. Quite terrible. To be fair though, the whole band was out of tune. I wonder what the backstage conversation was like before the show? "Hey dudes, let's forget the whole tuning thang. We're pro." Actually you're not.

The drummer is just as bad as the rest of the band and I only have one thing to say to him. "Time ain't a magazine. Get a metronome."

All in all, I don't see how these jokers can take themselves seriously. Maybe someone should show them a video of one of their shows. Might knock some sense into them. Man, how did these guys get signed? I think I have the answer. Young, influential punks wanting to seem different and hip to the whole alternative scene buy this sort of crap. Keen to take advantage of this, record companies sign only the crappest bands out there. And voila, we have bands like the Yeah Yeah Yeahs.